Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
