There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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