even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
