I think my vagina is haunted
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
