whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
