The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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