i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
