I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
