Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
