dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
