dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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