Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
