i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
