We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
