I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
