Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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