Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
