ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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