I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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