Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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