dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
