Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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