He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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