Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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