do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
