I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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