My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
