Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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