If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
