With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
