i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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