I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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