I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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