2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
