I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
