did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
