I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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