How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
