its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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