chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
