Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
