sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
