So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
