I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
