i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
