I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
