it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
