Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
