I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
