Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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